Join me for a (very vulnerable) trip down memory lane:
By the time I reached 4th grade I knew I wanted to be a children’s book author. Something else I knew in 4th grade was there was a social system in play that all school going children feel victim to. A social order if you will, labeling school age children as “popular”, “geek”, “goodie-goodie”, “jock” or “loner” to name a few. Once labeled these kids would be organized into groups and their social order was pretty much decided upon until reaching high school graduation. Occasionally, between middle school and high school or during summer break a person could decide to undergo some kind of dramatic change; dye their hair, get a piercing, lose or gain a bunch of weight, start smoking, change their style, develop boobs, etc. and show up at the start of a school year different enough to find their way into another, more desirable social group...most often the popular group. Not only have we all lived through this but watch any television show or movie featuring characters attending school and you can watch it play out in all its drama.
When I entered 4th grade I found myself as the least popular girl in the popular group. For me, it was a brutal role to be assigned. I spent pretty much all of 4th-8th grade questioning if I was enough and feeling dissatisfied with who I was and who I was becoming. Okay, l’ll be honest, I spent all of 4th grade through today questioning if I am enough, feeling dissatisfied with who I am and who I am becoming. Which is why a few months ago, I started going to therapy for the first time. I had always believed therapy would be good for me but it took two published books with my third on the way (my first children’s book!) and being a social media influencer in the summer of 2020 (if you know, you know) for the push I needed to make the call and set up my first session.
During this first session I told my therapist I needed some help navigating my insecurities within my role on social media, my place in the Down syndrome community, and as an author, especially with my first children’s book coming out. I shared with her that I always felt like I wasn’t enough. Like even now in all the aforementioned spaces I felt like the least popular kid in the popular group. To help me go deeper my therapist had me close my eyes and think back to one of my first memories of being hurt by others...my childhood wound. As I let my mind go back I quickly landed on a memory I had pushed aside, not realizing the power it had in my life…
I was in 5th grade at recess with my group of friends. We were all sitting on the upper basketball court when one of the girls yelled out “D.N.H” and everyone but myself and one other person knew what that meant because they all began to run. Feeling stupid because I didn’t know what was going on, and not wanting to be left out, I ran with them. When they finally stopped and I caught up, some of the girls gave each other strange looks and then yelled out again, “D.N.H.” and ran. The second time this happened I stayed back feeling confused and hurt. Shortly thereafter the bell rang to go back to class. Through a series of whispers and note passing I soon found out that “D.N.H.” stood for “Ditch Nerd Herd”. These girls, most of whom had been my friends since preschool, had made a decision that I was not cool enough to be in their group and created a plan to leave me out.
As I shared this with my therapist I began to weep. I was surprised that what I had always considered a small incident, which took place 30 years ago, could bring up such a strong physical reaction. It was an old wound which had never been healed and I wept. Through tears I went on to share how while this group of girls continued to be my “friends” and 6th grade went on with less social trauma, by the time I was in 7th grade I was full on bullied by some older girls who had befriended the same girls who had made up “D.N.H.” I spent most of 7th grade afraid to go to school, hiding in a teacher’s classroom at lunch, until one day the main older girl who had been threatening me walked up to me and declared “I decided you’re cool after all.” And that was that.
Except it didn’t just end for me. A deep wound had been created and would continue to have me questioning my status, worth and identity to this day. Thank you Jesus for professional therapy.
For the past five years as I’ve stepped into the role of author, speaker, influencer, and Down syndrome advocate I’ve continued to question my skill set, my role, my worth. I’m certain I like people more than they like me. I leave social settings wondering if I was too much or not enough. I watch as my friends become more sought after authors, get invited to be keynote speakers, win advocacy awards or attend girls' weekends which I was not invited to. I find myself feeling like the least popular girl in the popular group. And I wonder what I have to do, how I have to change in order to get “in”? I wonder what’s wrong with me, what is so different about me that these spaces I want to be in don’t want me there. For years I’ve felt hurt and insecure and for years I have said nothing all the while thinking, “Heather, you are an adult in her 30’s with so many people who love and support you. Why are you acting like a middle school child? Why do you care so much? Why can’t you focus on what you have going for you?” Then one day after sharing all of this with my therapist she said to me, “...because you are functioning from your middle school child wounds. Of course you feel this way.”
Over the past few months as I’ve been navigating all of this with my therapist I have also been working on launching my very first children’s book...my 4th grade dream coming true. As my therapist has helped me find the tools to enter into this book launch with more awareness of and grace for my middle school self, she has pointed out how the career path I’ve chosen, one in which I shout the worth of people who are left out and use my gifts and talents to create spaces where everyone can belong, is also birthed from this childhood wound.
Whoa!
The hurting and broken 4th grade Heather who dreamed of being a children’s book author always felt like she was too different to fit in. This same very wounded girl would grow up to write a children’s book teaching kids to celebrate and embrace their Different. The hurting and broken places also became places of beauty, creativity and growth. A connection I had not made until very recently. That same book, written by the same girl who continually wonders if she’s good enough or worthy enough made the New York Times Bestseller list.
Whoa!
And here’s the thing, while I am celebrating this accomplishment, beyond thrilled and humbled to my core, being a New York Times Bestselling author is not a magic wand. I am still very much in therapy and still very much processing and healing and I have a lot of work to do and a long way to go.
As I write this I am in tears. Tears of joy and grief, of healing and hurt. I am still a bit shocked to know I am a New York Times Bestselling author and overwhelmed with gratitude. Mostly, I am thrilled to know a book with a message about showing up bravely just as we are and embracing and celebrating the differences in ourselves and others in the world, is making its way into the hands of kids just like me. A message I hope will one day create a whole new social order, one void of “popular” and “geek” and full of people celebrating and embracing the Different in themselves and those around them because Different is a great thing to be!